


Northern Downpour

by Avangee



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M, Ryden, sad ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-03 04:44:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10236176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avangee/pseuds/Avangee
Summary: I can't play his song. Not without him. My fingertips hurt more and more as I press them hard against the strings, my hand's tingling from strumming too hard. I just want Ryan to be with me. Right now. I need him in my life, he can't fucking leave.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Basically it's what I imagine was going through Brendon's mind at Bush Hall 
> 
> https://youtu.be/-dIqsvpmcOI 
> 
> Le link

"This will be the first time I don't, uh, cry during this song," I tell the audience, god, I can't cry in front of them again, "I'm gonna try." 

Ryan is supposed to be singing this with me, it doesn't make any fucking sense. I need him. And he fucking left, it was my fault even, I pushed him. I did it. Fuck. I need him to be up here with me. I don't care anymore, I don't care that he fucked up. I don't care that he didn't need me the way I needed him. 

"If all our life is just a dream," it's like I'm on autopilot, I'm not on a stage anymore. I'm talking to him, I'm singing with him. The way it should fucking be, me and him. Singing, laughing, kissing. God, I miss his lips. I remember when we were first writing this, the rhythm was shit but Ryan was always great at writing lryics, way better than I could ever be. How the fuck am I going to continue this career? Without Ryan, all the songs are fucked. This entire fucking album was ours,  it is ours. No one is going to ever going to be able to replace Ryan fucking Ross, the Golden god. The love of my fucking life. 

"And then she said she can't believe," and just like that I'm back to fucking reality, the reality where Ryan's gone and it feels like I'm all alone. I am. Spencer didn't even fucking know about me and Ryan, and Dallon. What the fuck could he do?  

"...Fabled tongues," maybe if I smile I can stop thinking. I want to stop thinking about him, I don't want to see his smile everytime I close my eyes, I don't want to see his stupid hair every time I see someone wearing a scarf. I don't want to remember his fingers against my skin when I press mine against guitar strings. I don't want to smell his slutty vanilla deodorant, why did he even wear that? I don't know, maybe to haunt my senses when he leaves. 

"Northern Downpour sends it's love. Yeah," yeah, I send my love to him wherever he is now. He said he would be somewhere I would find him. Where is that? Why does he have to talk in fucking riddles, god I hate that? Why does he have to leave, I hate him? Why can't he just stay with me? I just, I just want him to be next to me on stage again, we can keep playing this music forever. I don't care anymore, I just need him to be with me again. 

"Melt your headaches, call it home" this was his line, fuck I'm singing his song, "God, I'm sorry." 

God dammit. I'm sorry. So fucking sorry, Ryan I need you so much. Please, come back to me. 

"Hey moon," I hear and it's almost like he's there right next to me making me smile. I glance over hoping to see his stupid curls and his his stupid scarf. He's not there. It's just Dallon. Fuck. I need him. I need to stop fucking thinking. This isn't right. It's not right. Dallon singing Ryan's song. Me singing Ryan's song. Nothings right. And I just. I fucking can't play this song anymore, but I can't just stop. I can't play his song. Not without him. My fingertips hurt more and more as I press them hard against the strings, my hand's tingling from strumming too hard. I just want Ryan to be with me. Right now. I need him in my life, he can't fucking leave. I need him. It's not right. I know there are tears going to fall on my cheeks. I know that he's not here to make me happy anymore. I know that it's not fucking okay. No one's voice can match Ryan's, Ryan is one person. One person I desperately need.


End file.
